Over the past couple of weeks, I have been facing the challenge of how to make decisions. I have a tendency to overthink different decisions. I weigh up the risks and benefits and tend to create different scenarios in my head of what might or might not happen. The past two weeks have been teaching me about effective decision-making. This is what I have learnt…
What are the problems?
The problem when we have different pathways laid out in front of us is that we can have conflicting voices inside us leading to paralysis.
Our logical part of us tells us all the benefits and risks, what could happen if we did this or that. Our heart tells us that we want to do this. This excites us or makes us scared. A problem I think most of us go through, (certainly I do) when we make certain decisions is a paralysis of sorts.
Our minds are fickle and incongruent. We lean towards one thing but then our minds tempt us to another possibility. Without committing to a decision we become ineffective.
Another big problem is the fear of failure.
Our brain is very good at showing us several possibilities of what could go wrong. This projects us into the future with a myriad of anxieties and simulated failures.
Perfectionism is bred from insecurity. We are conditioned to believe that it is bad to fail. People will laugh at us and judge us for our mistakes so we want to make the best decision possible and so when we hold on to conditioning that we must fear the judgement of others, we become paralyzed with fear…
Fear creates an aversion to risk but without risk, there is no reward.
A Shaolin master from Germany, Shi Heng Yi, once said that there are 5 hindrances to self-mastery. One of them is Aversion (Byapada). When we are averse to something we don’t want to look at it because of the negative emotion it creates. We don’t like this feeling so we refuse to feel it and understand it and so we lose our way.
Sometimes each road seems equally good and equally bad so out of this perfectionism we become frozen. How can we choose the best path if they are both the same? Our own ignorance of the bigger picture creates this problem. Our focus is contracted to this moment and we are unconscious of the laughable irrelevance of the decisions.
People will often give us their opinions of what we should do. However, these opinions come from their own worldview, and biases. When it comes down to it you have to make the decision not them. You have to face the consequences not them. So how can anyone decide what you should do with your life?
It is useful to identify other peoples thinking in your own head. When we can do that we can compassionately discern and take responsibility for our own decisions. When we constantly look to others to decide for us we lose our power and we become sheep. It ok to be a sheep but don’t be surprised when the flock gets led down a dark dark road that you can’t escape.
So we must be able to make our own decisions. We must trust our own wisdom and have faith that it will lead us to the truth.
So what are the benefits of solving these problems?
We when can overcome the fear of failure, and move beyond paralysis we enter into a more effective state of being. A being that can make instant decisions arises not out of fear but out of courage.
We may fail but do not lose because each failure teaches us something new. So each time we make a conscious decision i.e. made out of purpose rather than fear, we develop and build upon experience and receive wisdom.
I think that this fear of failure is exacerbated today because of the vast volume of information, and influences from others that make it hard for young people to face failure. There is a difference between information and knowledge. Knowledge is lived.
So when we act with certitude and decisiveness and are aware of the knowledge given to us by this experience we become wiser for future situations, where we can draw upon experience to help us to make more effective decisions. It’s a positive feedback loop.
We trust ourselves more. We trust that inner wisdom that can only be cultivated through time and experience.
Nature rewards courage and Fortune favours the brave. We are rewarded when we step forth and face our fears.
When we stack different experiences, failures and victories we become an authority that people look to for guidance but we have to transcend the outcome and focus on the process.
My personal experiences
Recently, life has presented many challenges and opportunities to learn about making decisions. The key theme it seems is courage.
Through an organisational error on my part, I had to decide whether to go on an unauthorised holiday and face the consequences of work or to let down my friends and miss out on an experience. When trying to come to this decision my mind told me all the ways either decision could go wrong. It boggled me for days. I was afraid of what others would think of me and what the consequences would be. Docked pay? Destroyed work relations and reputation? Disappointment from friends? Lack of trust from others?
I knew what my gut was telling me but out of perfectionism I wanted to make the best possible decision and so listed all the risks and benefits of each decision. I did not trust my gut. I have been told that I rush into things without thinking ahead. (Other people's judgement). And so I went back and forth between decisions, all the time I began to lose faith in my own ability to decide and felt powerless and unaligned. I knew that I could look to others to decide for me. I had to be an adult and my own decisions.
I was focused on the best possible outcome but was not aware of the bigger picture. I was not focused on the process.
I was advised by a mentor to trust my gut. My gut was telling me to go but my heart was full of fear having listened to all the ways it could go wrong from my logically calculating brain. I had to clear the fear from my heart and embody courage, which I define as acting in the face of fear. I had to do this by zooming out and seeing the bigger picture. Focusing on the process and taking responsibility for what may or may not come. When I align myself with the meta, who I am becoming rather than what I am now, the fear was replaced with courage and with commitment and a fair amount of breathing I was able to calm myself when I was experiencing fear or anxiety.
I am very glad I listened to my gut because I had an awesome time in Copenhagen and learnt a lot.
I want to share my experience in Copenhagen.
A Night in Copenhagen.
It started with a competitive football game. A competitive game that pulled us together. Shortly before we were arguing over a card game but by the end of that football game we were working well together and left the match with respect given to us by the crowd around us inside the hostel.
After showering we went to this Irish pub/club. It was an amazing club with a friendly atmosphere.
What I notice especially about this place is the respect and friendliness people have for each other. There is an unspoken kind of decorum that isn't present in England. The people are also beautiful. Physically I haven't seen a higher density of highly attractive people.
An altercation happened in the toilets when my friend and I were trying to go to the toilet. A dark-haired man who was probably mid-twenties was picking on a small Asian kid. The man was clearly on drugs and was shouting saying that the kid needs to leave. My friend and I tried to reason with him but he wouldn't have it. He started getting in my friend’s face saying he would fuck him up. Realising that this might turn violent I jumped on his back and put the man in a rear naked choke hold put him to sleep. I dragged him outside of the toilets. After he woke he was calmer, he was almost apologetic. Soon however he started to rile up again saying he would fuck us up. I was up and ready at this point, I told him to fuck off and leave but then he started getting up in my friend’s face again so I pushed him into the corner. He leaned back to swing at me so I dived at his hips and took him down. I put him in the mount position and controlled him. I was telling people to get security. I shouted in desperation to my friends while people were urging me to leave him as security was coming. I think an older guy gently pulled me off, explaining that if the security saw me on top of him, they would kick me out as well. I stood on the wall while I saw his on the floor off his face. He had some white foam coming out of his mouth. I thought for a moment that he was overdosing and that he was in real trouble. I thought that I would be done with manslaughter. After he was dragged upstairs I went to see if he was ok, he was fine according to the bouncers slumped against a tree. My friends all hugged me.
An older man (mid 50’s) called mark spoke to me after a while at the bar. He saw the whole thing and I think pulled me off of the guy. He was a sleek man dressed well. Bald with defined cheekbones and white stubble. He was giving me intense affirmation and sharing lived wisdom. He was clearly a well-lived person, capable who said he was in the property business living in Spain. He spoke with a thick Danish accent that made him sound like Gru in the Film Despicable me. He affirmed to me that I had done the right thing by defending my friend and also having the control not to hurt the man, who was an idiot but not a real threat. He affirmed me to be myself. Keep friends close and protect what you have. Defend yourself and your loved ones. Throughout the night I saw him several times we engaged in different conversations but all of them were meaningful. He told me “I know you are not a fighter. You are not a maniac. I can read people. I was watching. I can tell those who know. (He pointed to my cauliflower ear). I know. I watch people. You are very calm, very relaxed. You are like Bruce lee! Hey man! You did well. Don’t feel bad. You have got to be the man. Hold yourself. What you did was a good thing.” He told us that there will always be someone bigger and stronger.
During this night up until that point, I felt a little tight. Trying my best to loosen up and have a good time. I found dancing to be beautiful. I would go clubbing just for the dancing. Particularly Spanish music. I felt a little withdrawn, to be honest. Perhaps slightly anxious. After the incident, however, I was much more relaxed and grounded. It felt like I could finally let go and be myself. As I was ordering my water from the bar an attractive blond girl approached me. I looked into her eyes. Something was different, not with the girl but with me. She could feel it. She asked me for a drink but I told her no I am only getting water. I wasn’t about to be used for a drink. She felt disappointed by this. Maybe rejected. Her name was Victoria. I like to believe that everything has a cause and that there are certain synchronicities that happen. She was a nurse. I remember that her friend pulled her away for a moment after she answered the question about what you do. I remember that she kept a physical connection to my mid back using her hand. Toby pulled me away as well asking something about where the others are. By the time I looked back, she was gone. I see the omens that life presents.
Eager to get into bed. The others all fell asleep immediately. I stayed up. I couldn’t sleep. I could see my mind processing what happened during the night, images, and awareness of feelings. Writing my feelings and thoughts I became acutely aware of them. In the shower, I cried, a small release of the overwhelming emotions of the night. I felt called to leadership and responsibility, feeling a great weight on my back of what was to come, however, I felt imbued with strength and courage. I had changed. I gave thanks to the Absolute. Getting into bed I received many insights in the form of pictures, words and indescribable feelings. Listening to the powerful spiritual music of Tuvan throat singing I felt like I was in the presence of something. There aren't words that could describe what I felt. It was overwhelming and …. It is ineffable. I will not degrade it by trying to describe it. Emotions poured forth from me and I sobbed. I saw visions of my father saying that he was proud of me. This released a huge amount of emotions for me that I was holding for weeks perhaps even years. The experience of being in that presence was terrifying but terrific.
I did not sleep until about 7 am.
I woke at half ten.
So what did this teach me?
If I had not listened to my gut, if I did not trust that inner voice then I would have missed out on this experience.
I have never had to use my martial arts skills in this context before. It made me very thankful that I am trained. My body knew exactly what to do and this gives me tremendous peace and confidence.
I learnt to trust the body to know what to do. Trust my gut. Observe, orient, decide and act. Keep moving.
I am rewarded by facing my fear. I am rewarded for courage. Embody courage. Breathe into it. Stay calm but be fierce in the face of fear.
I am guided.
We all want to be able to decide faster and make them in a more effective manner. We want to be able to make good decisions, to be trusted by others, and to be an authority within a given field.
We want to be able to stop overthinking and trust ourselves to make the right decision.
We don’t want to be paralysed by the fear of failure and be unable to act watching the opportunity slip by us. We want to be able to decide quickly and without worrying about what will go wrong. Confident decision-making.
So how can we achieve these goals?
Breathe
I go back to breathing because nothing is better when we panic. We need to be able to create some space between ourselves and the emotions associated with the problem. If we have the luxury of time, then we take a certain period of time to tune back into what is important. Gain some perspective and clear the mind.
Breathe deeply into the pelvic floor and feel yourself receiving energy from the world in the form of air as you inhale. With every exhale, sink deeper into relaxation.
Create space. Gain perspective
Process over the outcome.
Zoom out and understand the process that is your life. Life is made up of tests and lessons. There is no failure except the failure to fight. It does not matter the outcome of the battle only how it is fought.
There is no perfect decision.
Decide based on the long-term implications.
Will this decision have an impact on the long-term quality of your life? Will I regret this in 20 years?
Adjust on the fly.
If you are called to act quickly then this can be a luxury because we are forced to act. There is no time to overthink. Simply act with intent. Observe the situation. Orient yourself to the immediate threats or priorities. Let your mind come up with a solution and commit to it. Adjust on the fly.
Review.
Write down what went well and what could be improved after each major decision. This way, you make sure that after every decision you make you are learning and adjusting.
Hope you took what you find useful.
Have a good one,
G
Wowzers! That’s some story. Thanks for articulating it all here, it was a good read and has some excellent takeaways. The old cliche that you only regret the things you don’t do and not the things you do, is something I’ve always held in my mind when facing these kind of decisions and so far there’s very little I regret having done in my life. See you at the gym soon